Dare to Dream

My husband and I decided to opt out of writing a Christmas letter this year. We wanted this to be a time of celebration and joyous occasions, not a dismal reminder of what we have lived through, what we have seen, and the bruises that still hurt if you push hard enough.

I would have been eight months pregnant this Christmas. We were supposed to be saving for a home and a future college fund. I was supposed to be whole, to remember what it feels like to be carefree and light-hearted. We had plans for his job, and my next book. No where in there was I supposed to still be wearing size 2 jeans. No where in there had I factored in a mountain of medical debt from losing our first little one. No where in there did I get the memo that I would be assaulted and forever changed. No where did anyone tell me that anxiety is not just a word, but something that shakes your entire core. No where in there did I believe we would have to move so far for work, and place our plans on hold....

Life is what happens when you are busy making plans. And plans were meant to be broken.

I believe with every fiber of my being, that I will be whole again. That I am whole, but that some of the pieces don't quite fit right. I believe in the unwavering power of God's love, and that He alone has given me the strength to see this year through. I believe that life is never unfair, and those who believe with all their might can find love and peace and joy in any circumstance. I believe that I am living out my purpose and one day will write a story to change a person's life. I believe God's voice is always audible and in my darkest of moments, I hear His voice, His heartbeat one with mine.

I believe that life is all about moments, and I treasure these moments, the good, the bad, the beautiful, the ugly, the breath-takingly scary, the life-altering, the hold-my-hand and never let go moments.

Believe,


jaclyn

Christmas Blessings!

Merry Christmas everyone!! I hope you are enjoying this time of year, as much as I am. I have so much to be grateful for (including the fact that my hubby is off now til next week, no present means more than having him home!)....the cookies are baked, the fudge is done, the presents are wrapped, and soon I will curl up with a book and some hot tea....I'm trying my darndest to kick this icky bug that has been lingering around since last weekend.

I must confess, I had the chance to go shopping with my Mother in Law today, and I totally opted out. You know why?

No, it's not because I do not enjoy my Mother in Law's company (I actually adore her to pieces!) it's because there are two things I cannot stand in life: 1. Shopping and 2. Crowds....perfect storm had I gone today. So, rather than lose all my marbles, I decided to clean my house, get ready for the festivities, wash all the laundry including bed spreads, walk the dog, pay some bills, grab a quick workout, and now I should put in some office hours.

I hope all of you are not caught up in the crowds, and if you are God-speed (unless you really enjoy shopping in which case can you please explain the activity to me :) )....

Merry Christmas and Warm Wishes

Jaclyn

Okay, okay....I Give....

Well looks like the trip to see the folks is off....I received a phone call late last night from our old property saying we owe them more money (like I have some of that!). I canceled the trip on account of low funds and, as you can imagine, my folks took it not so well. I hate to disappoint, but what is a girl to do? I have bills to pay, and food to buy. A leisure trip just doesn't seem practical.

It's ironic how once you say you are unable to fund a trip, and must refund your ticket, people sudden say "well I would have loaned you the money"....well, usually when people are broke they don't have the money to pay ya back! As it is, we are trying to get money back from an insurance company that overcharged us for canceled benefits, and now the property. Here I was praying for the weather to hold, little did I know money would play a role...ah well. My husband says it's all growing pains, and that sometimes doing what you have to isn't quite what you planned, and that life is all about adaptation.

My parents have never had a child live so far from home, nor are they used to be told plans are changing. This past year has been one of rolling with the punches in this house, and I will take this as a lesson from God above. He seems to think I need constant teaching, I may not like it but I trust Him.

So cookies and Christmas music with the husband and Molly today....then off to the market for the Christmas meal....maybe God was trying to cut me a break? Regardless, thank you for reading and being so supportive.

Blessings and Hugs,
Jaclyn

Not Enough....

Ever felt like you were not enough? Like you were the biggest disappointment to your family, like you didn't try hard enough? Ever wonder how you could be enough?

I know this is a little out of character for me, but I am posting this in lieu of this weekend. I am supposed to make a quick trip to California to see my folks (not to mention the fact that my husband and I are scrimping and saving and I blew a couple Benny's on a ticket!) and the weather forecast doesn't look good. When I explain to my family that I may not be able to make the trip due to delays (literally the trip is sooooo short that if I am delayed at all I will be arriving on one plane to depart on another going home). It's not like I can control the weather!!!

To be frank, I feel as though I am stretching myself to the max for my parents and sister, and there only response is, "That's all you are coming for?"....sheesh lo weesh!! Never mind the fact that I have a job, a husband, a home to run, and I am hosting Christmas!!! Yep, that's right....I have to get home to run to the market to make a feast for Christmas.

To tie this up....I'm done. I'm tired of not being enough. I'm tired of being the family disappointment (supposed doctor turned freelance writer doesn't really scream pride in my family)....because at the end of the day, I AM ENOUGH!!!!

I have the love of a wonderful man who loves me for me, and a goofy child/dog who reminds me to laugh and enjoy things like fresh cut grass and warm sunshine. And I have the love and acceptance of the Man above, my gracious Savior. They see me and that is more than enough. I am enough. So are you, just as you are.

Blessings,
Jaclyn

Wrapped Beneath the Tree

This year is going to be different in this house. First off, we live thousands of miles away from what we once knew so well, and since the move, funds for Christmas is well, ahem, low....
My husband and I have spent the Christmas fund for gifts for our families (I love to look for deals online, and have saved around a thousand dollars by searching on-line!)....but this leaves very little for the two of us. But ya know what? At the top of my wish list, as cliche as it is, all I want for Christmas is what I already have :) My dream guy, my silly, goofy Molly, and the roof overhead. Sure I would love to have a new, fancy purse (and by fancy I mean rather large and durable!) and some new craft supplies, or the Shabby Chic chair I covet online and say 'hi' to daily....but, at the end of the day, when all is said and done, I would be lost without the love of a good man and the sweet licks of my Molly.
Tomorrow, I will be making Molly's Christmas toys....she is just a kiddo and needs something 'new' for Christmas! I have a few other sewing projects to work on....let's see how it goes!
I pray you are all lucky enough to have something so special beneath your tree.

Blessings,
Jaci

From the Manger to the Cross....

This time of year brings out the best in us, but what about the rest of the year? Why is it that only during one month of the year, we choose to model after the Man who saved the world? Do we feel obliged to honor Him close to His birthday, and forget Him on December 26th?

I want to do differently by Jesus this year. I want to celebrate the wee one who slept in a manger and years later, laid down His life on the Cross. I want to remember to give, to love, to pray, to thank even on December 26th. I may fall short of this goal, I may not hold up my end of the deal, but I am going to try.

Lord, you are the only one who knows the contents of my heart, and only you know my innermost thoughts. And only you forgave me for everything I have done. Thank you for the greatest gift I will ever receive, your Son.


Time to dust off these ole' boots, and walk the way worthy of the babe in the manger and the Man on the Cross. Merry Christmas everyone.

Waiting for the Snowflakes...

Today is a day for the Rockefeller's....my husband and I (Molly too) will go pick out our Christmas tree this afternoon. Our plans for the day include, picking the perfect, sweet, lonely tree, and trimming it to look glorious in all its wonder. There will be plenty of hot cocoa (I make this from scratch with cocoa powder, honey, vanilla, and milk) and plenty of Christmas music and movies (also some football for the husband)! I am going to cherish these next two days, the man of the house has been slaving away, working for a week straight. We made it through the roughest week!

I have been busy working on articles, and preparing for Christmas....with only one car, I do a lot of on-line shopping to fulfill the Christmas lists. Everyone has to make sacrifices, mine was to sell my beloved car so we could afford to move. Oh well, what is one silly car in exchange for your dreams?

Today is definitely a much better day....I suffer from anxiety (due to PTSD) and have been receiving some amazing, Godly counseling over the past six weeks. It has helped tremendously. God has definitely carried me through this storm, and He will continue to hold me and guide me. What an amazing walk in faith...

On another note, Molly's Christmas present came in the mail yesterday; however, that dog has a knack for knowing when a present is for her....she stood on her two hind legs while I opened the box, and well, you guessed it, this Mama has to buy some more gifts for Christmas day. Ah well, she was over the moon and slept with her new toy all night. I will have to get a picture for you guys next time....

Merry Christmas, and blessings to everyone,

Jaci

(I will post some pictures of the tree trimming tomorrow (hopefully), tomorrow is a much treasured family day!)

Man Alive!!!

So normally, I write about how wonderful everything is and try and make my life sound like daisies and roses.....somebody squished my daisies and roses today. Here I am flipping through these blogs filled with uplifting words and happy moments, Christmas ornaments and homemade quilts, Mom's who are patiently homeschooling their children and recipes of feasts fit for a king.....and yet my ugly green monster roars on.

My husband has a code saying for the time when I am less than peachy, he calls it "my ugly green monster". It is the blanket answer for my rantings, my irritability, and my inability to make any sense at all. Much like this blog entry today...my apologies ahead of time. The day began with our old insurance company deducting money from the account after I had already canceled this insurance since it no longer applies where we live. The bank from which this money was deducted is only located where we used to live, and because we no longer use this account, there were overdraft fees involved too. I called the insurance company and they replied, "We can send you a check in two weeks." TWO WEEKS!

The woman proceeded to tell me that I could then take the check to the bank. First of all, unless they are willing to send the money for the overdraft as well, I don't think so. Second, the nearest sister bank is hundreds of miles away....like I have that kind of time. Third, gas ain't cheap....

So after finally getting her to understand to simply replace the money, I made some headway...not my most glamorous moment, but I'm far from perfect. I knew this was going to be a long day, when the coffee maker almost got it--there is a warning beep to tell you the coffee is ready, and the beeping happened prematurely, unleashing my wrath to completely destroy a perfectly good appliance. Luckily, it was only in my imagination that I yanked the tiny beeping mechanism out!

It's not yet lunchtime, and I know this is the day where I should avoid the telephone, the bills, and all things hot, breakable, or pointy. At least this posting has been cathartic. Maybe today will be a day of writing and yoga.....as long as the coffeemaker is quiet. Take care everyone....thank you for listening!

At least he doesn't have a green monster! Patience of a saint!

Just a little each day...

This year's Christmas is going to be a little different for me....

My husband and I moved 1100 miles away from family and (weather permitting) I will be able to go back to see my folks for about two days the week before the big festivities. Otherwise, its just me, the hubby, and Molly for Christmas. I have the decorations up, and shipped most of the gifts to my folks in case I don't make it (Colorado is supposed to be knee deep in snow all of December....we haven't had much yet, which is either a good thing or a dark omen :) ).

I think we are going to get the tree this afternoon. We only have the one car, and my hubby has been hard at work at his new job. Hopefully, we will have some spare time this afternoon to get it. I have been busy in the kitchen too, baking chocolate chip pumpkin cookies, and believe me, they are delish!

The Christmas music has been playing nonstop, and whenever the house seems a little too quiet, I pop in a Christmas movie and let it be my background noise. One of the perks of working from home (that and the coffee is always good! I spent five years working at coffee shops....enough said)....So with all that said, this Christmas is going to be different, but change isn't always a bad thing. I have come to realize with this past year, that God puts us in uncomfortable situations so we remember to rely on Him alone. My faith is strengthened, and I feel the spirit of Christmas like I did when I was a kid!

And these two, mean everything to me....my quirky little family, an amazing man, a "human" dog, and a crazy lady who talks to her dog like a child, and would lay down everything for them. I pray you have a family whom you love this much, and that the spirit of Christmas reawakens that childhood innocence in you and makes the world sparkle.

Blessings today and always,
Jaci

Thanksgiving on the Farm....

The day after the big turkey day, and I find myself even more grateful for my wonderful family and my blessed life. At the end of the day, I may not have a house, I may not be free of student loans, I may not have the prettiest dress, but I have the love of a good man, the warmth of my family's embrace, and a heart content with my blessings....













I think we will use this picture for our Christmas card this year:




But this one is my favorite.....


No gift is worth more than being his wife....I'm honored everyday to be called his wife. All the while, I think, Christmas is about being with those you love, and holding those who are far, close to your heart. He has my whole heart, and I will forever thank God above for His Son and for the wonderful man who is my husband.

It's beginning to look a lot like.....

I live for this time of year!!! I love everything about Thanksgiving and Christmas; there is the time spent baking, the wonderful act of finding the 'perfect' gift, the time spent with family, the wonderful decorations, yummy peppermint white hot chocolate, the smell of fresh cut pine trees, the soft glow from candlelight.....oh just everything.

With hard times effecting most of us (prayers for those who are finding circumstances even more difficult this season), any little bit of help or savings is welcomed. Sound the drums, and the trumpets, bring on the smiles, because Shutterfly is offering 50 free cards if you are a blogger! Woohoo!!!!!

The link for the submission for is http://blog.shutterfly.com/5358/holiday2010-blog-submission-form/

Last years photo was the one from above...let's see what this year's will look like (ahem....Molly is about 50 lbs larger....sheesh lo weesh. No holding her this year!)

Five Question Friday!

1. What Christmas song do you loathe?

To be quite honest, I LOVE Christmas music! There is no song I do not love, nor one that I am too afraid to belt out a the top of my lungs! (And I am a terrible singer!)....I live for Christmas music, and during the year when I am feeling down, sad, upset, or just not like my chipper self, I will listen to some Christmas music.

2. Do you and your significant other cuddle at night or sleep on opposite sides of the bed?

So no one gag, my sister teases me about this, but my husband and I sleep facing each other. Usually we fall asleep talking to one another, and holding hands. We have had a king-sized bed on vacations, and they are horrible for us! We end up chasing each other around the bed, and neither one of us sleep very well. I am pretty sure if it wasn't taboo or weird, we would share a double.....guess we just sleep better when the other is nearby. (I sound like a Hallmark card!)

3. Have you ever had surgery?

When I was three years old, I had to have ten crowns placed on my baby teeth, since my parents allowed me to sleep with a bottle in my mouth while sleeping....I remember the hospital robe and my mom making me scrambled eggs when I got home. Then when I was 17 I had my wisdom teeth pulled out, and I hope and pray that is the extent of my surgeries. I ended up healing over the stitches so they had to reopen the sutures and I was MISERABLE! I had to eat baby food and yogurt for 3 weeks...on my tiny frame, those were precious pounds lost.

4. When do you typically have your holiday shopping done?

I DESPISE shopping....and yes I am a woman. But the act of shopping has forever been lost on me. Something I have never understood is how people can go from store to store to simply look at what they have....ugh.
Since I refuse to meander around stores, my Christmas shopping gift search begins while everyone is thinking about flowers, chocolate bunnies, fireworks, and BBQs. I begin the hunt for the perfect gift early on, and usually, if I can get away with it, buy the gifts online. This year, my husband and I moved 1200 miles just two weeks ago, so the shopping has been trickier than normal. Other than a few homemade gifts, one more on-line order, and finishing my hubby's gift, I am all done!

5. If money were not an issue (and you HAD to pick something), what would your ultimate luxury item be?

I work from home as a writer, and if I could have absolutely anything, I would have a top of the line computer to work from (If you notice, I don't even know exactly what kind...I don't look at things I can't afford :) Makes appreciating the things I have a little easier!

May this find everyone in the best of health and happiness this season....all the blessings one blog can hold.....

Homemade.....Handmade

Since moving to Colorado just a week and a half ago, my creative mind has kicked into gear!! I was flipping through some books (to get me through the LONG winter here!) and I came across the recipe for essential oils and a few sewing projects! I am so excited!

See, I have always loved to stay home....every since I was a little one, home is where I am the most happy. Sure, I have no problem going out and about to run errands, visit family, and be outdoors, but my heart is always at home. That is why I am so grateful my husband works diligently so I am able to write my books are articles from home.

I can't hardly wait to begin my projects! Molly and I already spent some time outside this morning, since the sun is shining down so warmly and sweetly this morning :) Never know when the snow will make its appearance! I will keep everyone posted on my homemade projects...now on to some writing. Have a wonderfully blessed Tuesday.

Why Do Angels Have to Work?

Today my husband left for work, and for most people this is a daily occurrence. However, in this house, we dread this day. It's not a huge deal to most, they kiss their husbands/wives goodbye every morning. My husband and I aren't most people....we go without luxuries so we can spend the most time together. He comes with me to the market, just to be with me. I watch football, so he can be happy. We eat at home because it's much cheaper, and he likes my cooking. We go camping because we like the quiet. We sold my car so we could afford to move for his job.....

And now there is a job opening where we live that would put him much closer to home. He could be within five minutes of home, and I know how badly he wants it. I want him to have it. I would appreciate any prayers for us....I know it sounds silly when others are asking for health and wellness, and here I am asking for a job for my husband with a job :)

Normally, I never say things out loud for fear that they won't come true....but I want this one to happen so badly....

Thank you for listening and reading....

Days Past...

I try to be lighthearted and carefree most of the time. I wish I could learn to roll with the punches, to take life as it comes. For so long I enjoyed spending time by myself and going places all on my lonesome....until this past year.

My anxiety sky-rocketed this morning (a daily battle for me now) all because my husband had his first day of work in our new state of Colorado. Once he mentioned that he was leaving to go to work, my heart began to race and I lost my control.....oh how I wish I was stronger.

This past year has been one of the most difficult to endure. I was assaulted and mugged, then nine months later my husband and I lost our baby, and five months later we moved 1100 miles.....sheesh lo weesh. I see pictures of how I used to be, before this insane year, and I wonder if I will ever feel the same way again.

I wish will all my might that I could be rid of my uneasiness, but I remain hopeful as God's promise is to see me through the storm. Normally, I wouldn't burden anyone with my woes, its just that I have found writing helpful in clearing my head and helping me breathe.

God's blessings to each of you, and may you find strength in Him!

Unpacking Boxes

Well, we made it safe and sound to our new home....took my mom to the airport last night, and now, its just my husband, the dog, and myself. I thought for sure, my heart would still be in a million little pieces this morning, but somehow a piece found its place this morning. Maybe tomorrow, another one will find its place, and soon it won't hurt so much. I miss my family more than words can say, more than I could ever properly depict in a blog, but I take them with me in that piece that found its way back this morning.....


(And in case you are wondering, Molly girl, decided to lay on my lap for about 5 hours of the trip and she weighs 65 lbs! Total Mama's girl!)

Strength in His Embrace...

In just a matter of hours, my husband and I will make a trek that will forever change our lives. You see, my husband's job is transferring us 1100 miles away from the place where I have spent my entire life. The place where I went to grade school, the place where my family is, the place where I became the woman I am today.

I keep telling myself that we are lucky to have such a chance in hard economic times, a chance most would give anything to have. And I am grateful, but the hard part is, my heart is breaking. I will be seeing "See ya soon" to my family (I don't like saying good-bye, its too finite), and my heart is in pieces. I pray for God's strength and His guidance, I pray for His comfort and peace.

Great things await me, and I know my marriage will be stronger for it....Looks like I will be getting my white Christmas after all.

My Molly Girl

Thus far the Lord has blessed me with a wonderful husband and.......a Molly.

What is a Molly?

A Molly is the smile on my face, the laughter in my voice, and the joy in my heart.

You see, Molly rescued me when I didn't even realize I was in need. She taught me how to love again, how to be in the moment, to love without restraint.






Molly has also taught me to take a nap every once in awhile.....

The way he sees me...

My husband has to be the greatest man in the world....
He loves me.....
He takes care of me....
He makes me hot tea when I have a cold....
He puts my favorite show on every Monday (despite football)....
He buys me powdered sugar doughnuts just because.....
He smiles that smile......

On the Road Again....

In the six months that passed since my initial post, life continues to find ways of throwing curve balls. The very things you believe would kill you, or keep you from getting up in the morning, become the very things that give you the strength to go on. In the midst of turmoil and confusion, I continue to turn to my writing as a source of clarity. By placing pen to paper, or fingers to keys, I am able to sift through the mishaps and missteps to better understand how a woman of grace endures the everyday.

With each adventure, each daily success, my mind reverts back to the format of a child's book. I am constantly thinking of new lessons I have learned today, and how these lessons could become a pivotal cornerstone for a child. My greatest lesson as of late has been one of forgiveness. I am approaching the year marker for a time in my life that I never thought possible, and it has taken the better part of a year to realize that this particular individual, I had yet to forgive. Just like a bird stretching their wings for the first time, I can finally release myself of the relentless desire to completely forgive this person.....

I am not yet ready to fly, but in due time, I will venture off that ledge and give it everything I have. For now I will continue to write the stories that will help those who with broken wings.

"These Hands"

This marks the beginning of my journey as a self-professed guinea pig, barely stretching my wings, and looking forward to the journey ahead. I am an official published author, teaching myself as I go along. Just a little girl with silly dreams, who decided to go for it, to lay it all out on the table, to reach for the unattainable, and who did it.

Like the title of the book, "These Hands", only by my own determination and inability to alter my dreams, did I succeed in achieving my goal as an author. I only hope that the book inspires children, adults, individuals of all ages to believe in the impossible. My intent is to remind individuals that a job does not define the person, rather the inner-workings of that person define who they are. Emphasis is placed solely on the form of employment anymore while the content of one's heart is completely overlooked.

What does your heart hold dear? Dare to dream any dream....