Thursday, June 28, 2012

In the Wee Hours

Ever since I had my son, it seems as though sleep is an elusive dream, a funny notion really.

When the house runs quiet and all are asleep, I find myself finishing the odds and ends that I was unable to finish with a wee one in tow. The final hour before I go to bed, I spend pumping the next bottle for the baby. Needless to say, my brain, my body, my energy is sapped.

I find myself wishing I could go to bed when everyone else does. I know my head will bob up and down as I fight to stay away during the midnight pumping session. This has been my schedule for the last five months, and while it is difficult at times, these long nights have given me ample time to pray. I have had time to think and pray for all those who come to mind, and in this time, I feel my body and mind relax as I am forced to sit still and just be.

And pray.

Before this time in my life, I would have been too upset and envious of those who are able to get proper sleep; however, through the journey into motherhood, my mentality is altered and a quietness has settled in. I'm edging out that hot-headed, jealous woman for a more understanding and patient-honing mom.

I know that tomorrow morning will come too soon. And I know that there will be moments where I am begging for a nap, just five minutes to shut my eyes. I'm sure I will pray for a moments peace, maybe even a longer shower. But as it stands, God has given me the strength to clean the house, do the laundry, prepare three meals, do some gardening, read up on a few skills, take care of my husband and son, play fetch with Molly, and squeeze in a workout.

Maybe if my eyelids stay open long enough, I will continue the search for work. We shall see :)

Night, night.

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

From My Spot

This is what happens when your 4 month old is starting to let them sit around in their diaper and t-shirt, watching while they sit comfortably in the chair and you look on from your spot on the floor.

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

I'm Not Asking You to Like Me

I'm not asking you to like me, but please don't be mean to me.

Lately this seems to be the thought reverberating through my head. For whatever reason, maybe it is this stage of my life, the in-between phase of childhood friends and becoming a friend's Mom, but lately, there has been a loss. That void of feeling in which you begin to wonder if there is a target on your back, and if so, what you did to put it there.

Ever since my son came along, there is ample amounts of advice and little friendship. I have been told up and down and this side of Sunday what I should be doing and how what I am doing could be done differently. Our house has fallen under severe scrutiny as others look on in disdain for our want and desire to remain close together and tight knit. I have seen disappointment strewn across faces at my inability to do more than the share I do, and I have felt their lackluster enthusiasm for my 'simple' life.

There are the inevitable phone calls, announcing once again how I am failing to live up to my potential and whittling away my time here in the country. I feel the glares coming from all angles, family, friends, you name it.

I look at my son and pray he may remain aloof from the realm of bullies. It seems as though I never knew how harsh and hurtful bullies can be. As a child, I was free from ridicule, never feeling the meanness associated with bullies. But just because we grow up, get married, and have babies of our own, doesn't mean that we are invincible. I pray everyday, that my son will grow up to be the man who befriends the boy or girl who has no friends, that he may demonstrate kindness and love and friendship. I pray that he would be free of pain and meanness, and would instead harbor tenacity, joy, happiness, and companionship.

Despite age, despite growing up, there are a few things that will follow us no matter what. I only pray that it is different for my son, for all our sons and daughters, that they may know friendship and demonstrate kindness to those who need it, despite what they tell us otherwise.

Thank you for listening....and for always being a friend.

Friday, June 8, 2012

Photo Montage

My life lately....

Can you tell I'm smitten?

We hope you have a wonderful weekend.

Monday, June 4, 2012

What Will Await Us

As I'm typing this, the little man is cooing away in his swing next to me. He is growing every day, becoming even cuter by the moment--granted I'm a bit biased.

I come to you, to this void of one-sided conversations, to the eyes of those who read this blog, and ask that you would pray for my family. We recently found out that the steady income we were able to count on will no longer be coming our way. Now, for most, this amount was nothing grand, but it was enough to sustain us, and keep the necessary bills paid. Right now, I'm not sure how we will pay next month's bills, but I am eager to see how God will work in our lives. Somehow, someway, those bills have been paid each month, and by God's provisions we have not gone without a home, food, or clothing.

I don't usually like to air such personal things here on my blog, but I have learned to be specific with my prayers this past year. Right now, I am praying for a job for my husband (ideally one he could do from home and still attend school), or something we could do together. My husband already works so hard at school and working any odd jobs that he can, I pray that God would provide something for us to do. Or if it is God's will, that we may be patient until He has something for us.

This is the time when we must sit back and wait, to lean upon God and His timing. There have been days when I wanted to throw my hands in the air and say I give up, and I'm done waiting for You to figure this out. But then I realize that I am questioning the ability of the Maker of the Universe, and well, that just seems plain silly.

Both my husband and I are eager to see what's in store for our family. We would love to start a business or a trade, we would love to work side by side, we would love for a form of telecommuting. We would love your prayers.

And because no post would be complete without a few of the recent pictures....

And my sweet Molly girl

Thank you.