Sunday, December 26, 2010

Dare to Dream

My husband and I decided to opt out of writing a Christmas letter this year. We wanted this to be a time of celebration and joyous occasions, not a dismal reminder of what we have lived through, what we have seen, and the bruises that still hurt if you push hard enough.

I would have been eight months pregnant this Christmas. We were supposed to be saving for a home and a future college fund. I was supposed to be whole, to remember what it feels like to be carefree and light-hearted. We had plans for his job, and my next book. No where in there was I supposed to still be wearing size 2 jeans. No where in there had I factored in a mountain of medical debt from losing our first little one. No where in there did I get the memo that I would be assaulted and forever changed. No where did anyone tell me that anxiety is not just a word, but something that shakes your entire core. No where in there did I believe we would have to move so far for work, and place our plans on hold....

Life is what happens when you are busy making plans. And plans were meant to be broken.

I believe with every fiber of my being, that I will be whole again. That I am whole, but that some of the pieces don't quite fit right. I believe in the unwavering power of God's love, and that He alone has given me the strength to see this year through. I believe that life is never unfair, and those who believe with all their might can find love and peace and joy in any circumstance. I believe that I am living out my purpose and one day will write a story to change a person's life. I believe God's voice is always audible and in my darkest of moments, I hear His voice, His heartbeat one with mine.

I believe that life is all about moments, and I treasure these moments, the good, the bad, the beautiful, the ugly, the breath-takingly scary, the life-altering, the hold-my-hand and never let go moments.




Knitty said...

Jaclyn, as a recent reader here, I had to go through old posts to learn what you have been through. I am so sorry you've had so much to bear in such a short span of time.

You are right that you will be whole again, that all the pieces are there but haven't settled into position yet. Many years ago, when my sons were 2 and 4, my last pregnancy ended on a delivery table with a ruptured uterus. We lost our daughter and the chance to have more children that day. The company my husband worked for had closed during the pregnancy and had stopped paying medical coverage without telling the employees. We had a huge debt to pay off while recuperating emotionally. Four months later, my dear mom was diagnosed with lung cancer. She died the following spring, making those 10 months an unbelievable period as I look back on them.

Prior to this string of events, my husband's mother had a stroke a few months before our wedding and almost didn't make it to our wedding. Another stroke put her into a coma before we could tell her we were pregnant 2 years later. She died 6 weeks before our first son was born. The baby was hospitalized at 3 weeks and again at 3 months for a then serious digestive problem. He was finally doing well at 6 months when my dad died unexpectedly of a heart attack with no previous history.

I don't speak of God the way many do, but I know He has been with Bill and I through the best and worst of times. I do plan on asking Him why the heck we had to go through all of this and expect an answer that I will understand when I cross over, but I am not in a hurry to get that reply.

There is so much in life here on earth that doesn't make sense, but some of it is the wonderful that defies explanation, it isn't all sorrow that befuddles us. We tend to question that more, wondering why. It is human nature.

So why am I telling you this today? To tell you that you and your husband are stronger than you know, and so is your marriage. I cannot imagine an outside force (another person) coming between Bill and myself. We've been through too much to allow that. Having known such dark times, we always choose Light, Love, Laughter and each other. I capitalized those three words because they mean so much to me.

I think you've got the Love part right. Always choose Light and Laughter, even in very small doses. Happiness doesn't have to be delirious, just a simple smile is good. Some days you might have to "fake it 'til you make it" but it works. It is a choice.

I wish you Peace in 2011 and well beyond.

Kelli said...

Jaclyn, I'm just now seeing this post. My heart aches just reading it. And at the same time, I am so very proud of you! That may seem odd for me to 'say', but I am. You have the right attitude, the right outlook and I am very proud to call you friend. :)

Knitty is a very wise lady. I am also proud to call her my friend. :) We've known each other for several years now and she's always been someone I know I can lean on or spout off to or whatever it is I may need at the time. And that's because she is always this level-headed, incredibly caring soul who knows just the right thing to say to make you feel better again. I could never hope to say things as well as Knitty can, so please just read and reread what she's written above. She always says it so very well. :)

Hugs to you, my friend. And most of all, God bless.

Blessedmom's Simple Home said...

My heart goes out to you and all that you've been through. You have your hope in the right place. God has brought many others through dark times and He is with you always. Back in April I shared one of those times in my life, in my marriage. It wasn't easy at the time, but God restored our marriage and is the leader of our family. I know your situation is far different...but He is the restorer of hope :-)

Kelli said...

Jaclyn, just wanted to check on you. You haven't posted for several days and I've had you on my mind. Hope all is well. Please check in soon! :)