I've debated saving this post until tomorrow, but I know that my mind will not rest until I have put the words down on paper. Today was one of those days you don't want to forget and lest you allow the day to pass you by, you share the experience with anyone who will read it.
My husband and I were having a conversation this afternoon. I was deeply engulfed in my own mind when he suddenly asks me what's wrong. I fumbled through my words not really sure of how to construct my thoughts, or even if they would make any sense. He gently coaxed me, and soon I began telling him how I wish we were able to do basic things like go to the optometrist for new glasses (I wear glasses) or see the dentist whenever we needed to or put new tires on the car. I told him how I worry that we can't afford to do certain things and that we have no means to do them if we needed to.
He quietly and calmly looked over at me and smiled. He whispered, "God will take care of us, and He will meet our every need."
Everyday, the faith of this man makes me proud to be his wife.
After a few more minutes, he looked at me and asked if I was alright. I told him that I was ashamed of how I've been acting. What really has been bothering me is my attitude of what I need/want when in reality, there are more who go without than not. Children go to bed hungry. Men and women are away from their families, fighting for our freedoms. Little babies cry out in the night, cold and scared. Families go without a place to call home.
And here I sit in my warm home. My son, contentedly sleeping in his soft, cozy bed. We all had a nourishing meal before bed. The dryer is humming as clothes are cleaned and readied for tomorrow. Biscuits are made for the morning's breakfast, and every night, I fall asleep next to the love of my life.
I don't want God to give me everything. I don't want to get too comfortable with life that I forget all that He has done. I want to diligently follow Him. I want to live with such a passion for God that at the end of my life, I am remembered not for who I was, but for who I believed in. I want to see the pain and hurting in the world, so that I may remember to always reach out to those in need. I want to have river of compassion etching its way across my heart, pouring from my hands all that I have to give. I want to reach out in the darkness and grab hold of a lost one, knowing that I too am lost, but together we seek out guidance.
I thought about this when the turkey leftovers were being tucked away in the icebox....I'm grateful for the hardships. Never before have I felt closer to God. Over the last twelve months, I have grown more uncertain about every aspect of life except for one--my faith. I want a faith drenched in passion, a fervor on the brink of exploding.
Through the pain and the suffering, He is there. Through the joy and the triumph, He is there. Through the minutes and the hours, the days and the years, He is there. And I don't want to waste another minute on mediocrity.
I'm all in.