Lately, I have been drawn to the Word, my heart is changing more and more everyday. Maybe it's the course of things, or maybe it's looking at the world through my son's eyes, but there are things that I aspire to be, people I admire, traits I want obtain. My admiration is not for those who have wealth or fame, but those who live with humility and kindness. I find myself being drawn to characters like Job and Joesph, living with a passionate love for God, their legacy resting solely on their faith.
I want my son to be proud of me for my faith, for having a love and heart for God. I want to be proud of myself for this reason.
I've been stopping myself these past few weeks, in those moments when I would be quick to anger and spout back with meanness and hatred. There is a movement happening in my soul, something telling me to stop, breathe, pray, and love. Tomorrow is not guaranteed and I don't want to whittle away the hours fighting or bickering. My husband and I have both felt this movement, in fact, many a time, we look at each other with downcast eyes, sorry and ashamed of hurting our best friend. We remember not to hold grudges, and tear down the barriers we build, to fill the moment with a loving embrace and kind words. To ask for forgiveness and to have forgiveness offered without hesitation.
I used to count down the hours and days I had to spend with loved ones, all the while, missing the time I did have with them. I was too focused, to zoned-in to what awaited me, the responsibilities that laid before me that often I let the memories go by. I was too focused on what could happen instead of what was happening.
Maybe that is one of the greatest lessons we can learn.
Maybe God has been working all this time in my life to teach me to strive to have a servant's heart. It isn't always easy to give up old habits. In fact, those old habits turn into crutches that we quickly turn to when things get a little shaky. But faith demands that we be willing to look beyond ourselves, to grow where no one else wants to, to reach out to the shadows and shine a light.
I would like to think that I have plenty of tomorrows. But that choice is not up to me. The only choice I can make is how I choose to spend my now. Do I want to leave a legacy? Will my life be remembered for who I was not what I did? Did I do all I could to live a life that honors God? Did I love with all that I have, and did I accept the love around me?
I read about men like Job, and know that his faith was unshakeable and admirable. I know I am flawed and I may never become something grand in the world's eyes, but I am perfectly made and seen in His eyes.
My legacy is living and loving God, and that needs no second chances.