Friday, April 27, 2012

The Cold Truth

We never like hearing the truth.

We never enjoy hearing about our short-comings or things we could do to improve ourselves. It's just an innate desire to be viewed in a positively, glowing light. We like others to see only the good and disregard the bad. That is until someone points out our faults.

Then we, I, cringe. Just the other day, my husband asked me if I was happy. I answered quickly with a resounding "Yes!", and left befuddled by his inquiry. I thought I demonstrated qualities of a happy, joyful wife and mother. I mean, if you were to read the posts, it seems like all is perfectly wonderful.

Apparently, my writing self and my actual self need to have a pow-wow and get on the same page.

My husband shed light on the part of me that I would rather not acknowledge. The part that is not so happy all the time, is quick to anger, and has a sharp tongue--yeah that part. Unfortunately, the one who deserves my best self, oftentimes receives my worst. He was not saying anything out of meanness, rather, he was sharing with me what I have been trying to hide from. It seems as though the hubbub of life dominates our conversations--bills, house projects, grocery lists, work and school.

We don't, or I don't, talk just to talk.

What I am trying to say in this convoluted round-about way is that I need to laugh. I need to smile. I need to radiate that happiness I feel swelling up inside and act on it. No longer do I want to stifle a laugh, I want to bellow. I want to tell my face to take a hint, and smile. It's never easy to hear that you seem unhappy or discontent. It's never easy to hear your husband tear himself down, as he thinks somehow he only disappoints you, when all you do is complain about what you don't have. It's not a warm feeling to realize you have been so cold. I want to be the wife he deserves. I want to be the Mom my son can look up to. I want to be the follower of God who demonstrates His love. I want to change the truth.


McFarland-Higgins family said...

The first months after baby can be so difficult. HUGS. If it persists, please talk to your doctor! I suffered from PPD and would have sworn that I didn't have it. I felt SO much better once I was treated. Feel free to shoot me an email if you need or want to talk!

Bekah said...

Balance is so hard, and let me tell you, you are NOT the first woman to neglect her husband after she has a baby.

Seriously, I still cringe at the memory of a few weeks after I had Luke, and after a particularly hard day with both the boys, My husband told me that he felt like we never talk, like I have no focus on anything but them. And my response? I told him that I was so drained that I couldnt POSSIBLY meet his needs on top of everyone else's. Yes. I said that. Its horrible, and it took me two weeks to realize how horrible it was. I still cant believe how horrible that was, poor Matt.

So...anyway, as much as I really dont like sharing that side of me, I want you to know that you arent alone. The best gift we can give our babies is to see/have happily married parents. It is SO important to us, and to them, that we remember to focus on our husbands.

Some of us just have to learn that the hard way I guess.

Mrs.Rabe said...

I hear you...I have been like that over the takes work to get used to focusing on the relationship and setting other things a side. To whisper our appreciation in their ear and remind them of how thankful we are for them as our husbands and our children's father. :)