Staying Still

I may have a million things to do, but for right now, I'm busy snuggling my little guy.

He will only be little for so long, and I have eternity to do dishes and laundry and work. But he will only be tiny for a moment, and I don't want to miss a minute.

The Cold Truth

We never like hearing the truth.

We never enjoy hearing about our short-comings or things we could do to improve ourselves. It's just an innate desire to be viewed in a positively, glowing light. We like others to see only the good and disregard the bad. That is until someone points out our faults.

Then we, I, cringe. Just the other day, my husband asked me if I was happy. I answered quickly with a resounding "Yes!", and left befuddled by his inquiry. I thought I demonstrated qualities of a happy, joyful wife and mother. I mean, if you were to read the posts, it seems like all is perfectly wonderful.

Apparently, my writing self and my actual self need to have a pow-wow and get on the same page.

My husband shed light on the part of me that I would rather not acknowledge. The part that is not so happy all the time, is quick to anger, and has a sharp tongue--yeah that part. Unfortunately, the one who deserves my best self, oftentimes receives my worst. He was not saying anything out of meanness, rather, he was sharing with me what I have been trying to hide from. It seems as though the hubbub of life dominates our conversations--bills, house projects, grocery lists, work and school.

We don't, or I don't, talk just to talk.

What I am trying to say in this convoluted round-about way is that I need to laugh. I need to smile. I need to radiate that happiness I feel swelling up inside and act on it. No longer do I want to stifle a laugh, I want to bellow. I want to tell my face to take a hint, and smile. It's never easy to hear that you seem unhappy or discontent. It's never easy to hear your husband tear himself down, as he thinks somehow he only disappoints you, when all you do is complain about what you don't have. It's not a warm feeling to realize you have been so cold. I want to be the wife he deserves. I want to be the Mom my son can look up to. I want to be the follower of God who demonstrates His love. I want to change the truth.

Back in Action

Somehow I think if I post the new routine, if I write about how I 'think' I'm getting the hang of this whole Mom thing, that tomorrow I will wake up and this will no longer be the case. It may sound silly or childlike, but once you remember how to swim and you no longer need that life-raft that you clutched so tightly for the last nine weeks, you want to do nothing to rock the boat.

That being said, I feel as though I just may be catching on. We had to travel to Dallas overnight for an appointment for the baby, and I'm here to say, that while I feel accomplished in my ability to pack us up, drive 3 hours, and stay overnight in a hotel, I don't care if I don't do that again anytime soon. I felt like we were moving....lugging tons of diapers, clothes, and blankets for the little man. Home is such a comfort, just having everything in its place and accessible makes life easier.

There is something so life-fulfilling about becoming a mother. Before, I thought I needed to be successful in my life endeavors, to become a famous author or a teacher of sorts, and now I am completely content to just be his Mom. My life's purpose, my reason for living is my husband and my son. God has given me more than I ever thought possible, and these two men fill the void that has long been undone. They're are the peanut butter to my jelly, the cream in my coffee.

May the weekend find you happy and among those you love.... If you'll excuse me, I have a date night with my two favorite men and my four-legged dog. Only now, we trade restaurants and movies for recorded television and sweet potato chips. My how things change.

What Tomorrow Brings

Tomorrow, the weather service is calling for cringe-worthy weather, the kind of weather that has you contemplating the Plan A of hunker-down-at-home or the Plan B of pack-the-car-and-hightail-it-out-of-dodge. We are anticipating tornadoes, hail, high-winds, lightning, thunder, and lots of rain. Normally, dangerous weather was something to gawk at with my husband, our noses pressed against the windowpanes looking for signs of a funnel cloud. That all changed about 8 weeks ago... When I became a Mama. Now we have our little man to consider. We have someone who depends upon our safety and well-being to be sure he grows into a healthy, happy, productive member of society. We have someone who needs us to be present and nurture them through the coming years. All this has me thinking about who I am as a person. What kind of wife am I? Patient? Sometimes. Loving? I hope so. Easy-going? Eh, not so much. Supportive? I try. What kind of mom am I? Nurturing? Working on it. Kind? Mostly. Then I realized, the effort put forth to be the best possible version of myself is all I can do. By being my best self, I am doing all that I can to be there for my husband and my son. I am seeing to it that despite the bullying voice in my head, I am a wife and mother to two of the world's greatest men. They love me in spite of the fact that there are things I should and could do differently. I wish I was a New York Bestselling author, a professor, a farmer, a child activist. I wish I didn't always say the first thing that came to mind and, instead, thought through the muck and mud in my brain, and spoke from my heart instead. I wish I didn't envy those who have something I dream of. I wish I could give my husband that job he so desperately wants to have. I wish I was the kind of woman who didn't wish so much. But I am. And I do. For now, I am all I need to be. I am a wife and a mother. I wrote a book that few have read. But I wrote it. I tutor informally, not in front of 100 students. I have a hobby farm, nothing like the hundreds of acres I dream of. My words are quick to anger more than I like to admit. I serve a God who knows what tomorrow brings, even when I don't. If any of you find yourselves in the path of the bad weather tomorrow, I pray that you find safety in the storm.

My Cup Runneth Over

There are so many wonderful aspects to being a Mama. The whole nine months I was pregnant, everyone kept telling me how amazing life becomes after the baby gets here, to enjoy every moment of being pregnant, that babies change everything. They were right. And then some. Double up on the doses of life becoming more meaningful, more loving, more exciting....but there is more. There are things that no one likes to tell you, the secrets we hide in our closets, hoping and praying that no one dwell long enough to notice it within. Luckily for me, I have a husband who won't quit, and asks me repeatedly, until I crack and divulge the secrets I'm trying so hard to keep. The secret of not feeling as though I'm enough for him. For the baby. For Molly. Whenever women have babies, it seems like the automatic response is like that of a voicemail response, "Life is peachy, couldn't be better, loving every moment of it." And that is 100% true. But there is more. There is the fact that I get up in the middle of the night to pump because my son doesn't like to nurse, so now I pump and then feed, pump and then feed. My sleep is depleted even more by the fact that I have to plan to wake up ahead of my little man to pump enough for him. There is fact that my family lives hundreds of miles away, and sometimes I wish my Mama was closer to help me. Everyone always wants to help a new mom the first few weeks, but what no one realizes is that it's the weeks following that 6 week marker, when the newness has worn off, that a new mom could use the help. Believe me, coming from a new mom, offer to help after a month or so. Bring by a casserole. Move their laundry. Go to the market for milk. Bring by a tennis ball for the family dog who might feel a little left out. Just saying. I used to make to-do lists a mile long and be able to accomplish them all in one day. Now notsomuch. Life is continually changing and I am along for the ride. I hope this post is in no way misconstrued. I adore being a mom, I love my son. That goes without question. I just feel like so often we avert our eyes whenever new moms (and veteran Mamas) mention the fact that this job comes without a handbook, without parameters. God give me the strength to see the late nights through, the patience to endure the early mornings, and the love my family needs me to give.

Ooops....

I had an entire post written out, but between feeding a babe and sleep deprivation, I didn't realize the battery was dying. Pesky batteries.... So instead, here's a glimpse of what my world looks like these days

And that pretty much sums it up. 'Nuff said.