Little Hands, Big Lessons

If someone would have told me that I would have a child before my 25th birthday, I would have scoffed and told them they had the wrong girl.

If someone would have told me that my biggest life lessons would come from that sweet babe, I would have said surely they were mistaken.

If someone would have told me that my life would forever be changed by those tiny hands, I would have hoped they were right, and prayed it to be true.


And so it is.

This life is not my own. In fact, I am typing this in the wee hours of the morning, with my sleepy little man next to me. I watch the rhythmic rise and fall of his chest, that little heart beating steadily. His eyelids flutter and I wonder what he is dreaming about tonight. The tiny creases in his arms, where his little chubby rolls are growing. The flip of his hair at the back of his neck, soft curls around his ears.

He has taught me to see the details, to take it in. To take life in. Before, I was fixated on crossing off everything on my to-do list, convincing myself that the busier I made myself, the more I sought to accomplish, the better off I was. It seems as though, I had acquired a train of thought in which my self-worth was based on my ability to multitask and keep busy. Oh how wrong I was.

I look at my son and find myself losing track of time. All I can think to do is to watch him and snuggle him, praying for God to halt time. He is changing already, growing towards the man he will one day become. For now, I wish for him to stay little. It's such a comfort to be needed, to have those tiny hands reach out for mine, grasping and tugging, all the while I know just how much he needs me. Each and every day, without fail, he needs me to feed him, change him, and most importantly, love him.

It seems as though in marriage, we can get caught up in our own expectations of each other and of life, forgetting the importance of love. We forget what drew us together in the first place, the all-consuming-knock-you-off-your-feet-love. The love that gave you butterflies on that first date. The love you felt would surely swallow you whole on the day of your wedding. The love we long to feel years later, and earnestly seek out.

My son has taught me so much, more than I ever imagined possible in the past six weeks. I want to take the time to see what is around me, to take it all in. I want to observe, watch, and listen, taking mental pictures of everything life is about. I want to love my husband even more than I already do, not for any reason other than he deserves it. Our marriage is one for the fairytales, but who said the happily ever after couldn't become more?

I say defy the odds. Go against the grain. Reach for the moon, and should you fail, at least you will end up among the stars.