Originally, I was going to post about flowers and lady bugs and feeling simply wonderful. Life has been wonderful, it is wonderful, I do feel blessed, but there is something lurking beneath the surface. Something that makes me cry at a moments notice, makes me forget how to smile, and at this very moment has me on edge and bleary-eyed with tears. Forget the make up for today, I've smeared it all over, and fixed once. I'm trying to get a grip, but today the deck is stacked against me. Stick a fork in me I'm done.
I feel like I should place a disclaimer on this rant, a by-line that tells you I am fine, I am whole, I am okay. I love life, I have an adventurous spirit, I get up and get going everyday. There disclaimer finished.
With that said, I'm cracking.
Remember how I told you I am a children's book author. Well, lately I have felt like my life is somehow less valuable or of less importance since I don't hold down your standard job. Everyone is always telling me to go out and get another job, to do something more. I'd like to tell I didn't listen. But somewhere, somehow, my deaf ear listened. And now I am left wondering if I should do more. When or how, I don't know......
Isn't it funny how we can expect so much out of ourselves? How one person's opinion or anecdote is suddenly enough to alter our entire mindset? Or just a bit of it?
My husband started his new job today....a steady job, one with decent wages, and plenty of hours. I am elated that he has a job and that he is happy, but there is a small piece of me so very sad to spend so much time alone. Again.....
He also said we could try again for a baby, since he has steady pay and insurance now....all I have been thinking about since that conversation is, you want to have a baby?! What if my body gives up again? Could I cope with losing another little one? Can life possibly hurt this much? Am I being silly, selfish, and scared? Where did my coping skills run off to?
If they could make an appearance again, I would so very much appreciate it. Just like I wouldn't mind my tear ducts to close shut, so my face could stop looking like a punching bag, and maybe......oh I don't know.
I just wanted to talk to my friends, that is all of you. I wanted to ask you to pray for me, to loan me some of your coping skills for the meantime.....
To leave you on a good note, this is Molly's new neighbor, Suzie. She loves Suzie and so do I.....makes my day just seeing her.
Hugs and all that good stuff.