Monday, March 14, 2011

Wholie Canolie....

Originally, I was going to post about flowers and lady bugs and feeling simply wonderful. Life has been wonderful, it is wonderful, I do feel blessed, but there is something lurking beneath the surface. Something that makes me cry at a moments notice, makes me forget how to smile, and at this very moment has me on edge and bleary-eyed with tears. Forget the make up for today, I've smeared it all over, and fixed once. I'm trying to get a grip, but today the deck is stacked against me. Stick a fork in me I'm done.

I feel like I should place a disclaimer on this rant, a by-line that tells you I am fine, I am whole, I am okay. I love life, I have an adventurous spirit, I get up and get going everyday. There disclaimer finished.

With that said, I'm cracking.

Remember how I told you I am a children's book author. Well, lately I have felt like my life is somehow less valuable or of less importance since I don't hold down your standard job. Everyone is always telling me to go out and get another job, to do something more. I'd like to tell I didn't listen. But somewhere, somehow, my deaf ear listened. And now I am left wondering if I should do more. When or how, I don't know......

Isn't it funny how we can expect so much out of ourselves? How one person's opinion or anecdote is suddenly enough to alter our entire mindset? Or just a bit of it?

My husband started his new job today....a steady job, one with decent wages, and plenty of hours. I am elated that he has a job and that he is happy, but there is a small piece of me so very sad to spend so much time alone. Again.....

He also said we could try again for a baby, since he has steady pay and insurance now....all I have been thinking about since that conversation is, you want to have a baby?! What if my body gives up again? Could I cope with losing another little one? Can life possibly hurt this much? Am I being silly, selfish, and scared? Where did my coping skills run off to?

If they could make an appearance again, I would so very much appreciate it. Just like I wouldn't mind my tear ducts to close shut, so my face could stop looking like a punching bag, and maybe......oh I don't know.

I just wanted to talk to my friends, that is all of you. I wanted to ask you to pray for me, to loan me some of your coping skills for the meantime.....

To leave you on a good note, this is Molly's new neighbor, Suzie. She loves Suzie and so do I.....makes my day just seeing her.

Hugs and all that good stuff.


Shannon said...

<3 you! and praying for you dear one ...

Laura said...

That's it. I am moving to be your neighbor. Put a pot of coffee on, I am on my way. We can cry and shatter together...that way there will always be a friend to pick up the pieces and put one of us back together :-)

And we are okay. We are both blessed. We know that. Despite the millions of tiny pieces of ourselves that have dropped to the floor. We are fine.

I thought of this quote as I read your post...

Whatever you do...write books, cure cancer, plant a garden, dance on tables, whatever! So long as you do it as well as you possibly can, then you are doing exactly what you need to be doing.

I will pray for you so hard...I promise you that.
and I'll leave you with what I prayed on today:

I'll stay where You've put me: I will, dear Lord
I'll bear the day's burden and heat,
Always trusting You fully: when sunset has come
I'll lay stalks of grain at Your feet.
And then, when my earth work is ended and done,
In the light of eternity's glow,
Life's record all closed, I surely will find
It was better to stay than to go;
I'll stay where You've put me.

Patience and trust, even in the midst of the monotony of your daily routine, will be the best preparation to courageously handle the stress and strain of a greater opportunity, which God may someday send.

(from Streams in the Desert 366 Devotional readings by L.B. Cowman)

hope, courage, strength and clarity...pray for it daily...sometimes I pray it HOURLY...!!!!

Flower Patch Farmgirl said...

1. Yes, I am positively the capable, normalish one. In my own, humble opinion. ;)

2. Girl, I'm sorry that you're having some of "those" days. I think your current career sounds positively fantastic and even enviable. And...on the baby thing...I won't pretend to know you well enough to really weigh in here, but don't let fear be a deciding factor in a decision this significant.

Rest well tonight, friend!

Laura said...