Monday, November 26, 2012

Step Forward and Step Up

I've debated saving this post until tomorrow, but I know that my mind will not rest until I have put the words down on paper. Today was one of those days you don't want to forget and lest you allow the day to pass you by, you share the experience with anyone who will read it.

My husband and I were having a conversation this afternoon. I was deeply engulfed in my own mind when he suddenly asks me what's wrong. I fumbled through my words not really sure of how to construct my thoughts, or even if they would make any sense. He gently coaxed me, and soon I began telling him how I wish we were able to do basic things like go to the optometrist for new glasses (I wear glasses) or see the dentist whenever we needed to or put new tires on the car. I told him how I worry that we can't afford to do certain things and that we have no means to do them if we needed to.

He quietly and calmly looked over at me and smiled. He whispered, "God will take care of us, and He will meet our every need."

Everyday, the faith of this man makes me proud to be his wife.

After a few more minutes, he looked at me and asked if I was alright. I told him that I was ashamed of how I've been acting. What really has been bothering me is my attitude of what I need/want when in reality, there are more who go without than not. Children go to bed hungry. Men and women are away from their families, fighting for our freedoms. Little babies cry out in the night, cold and scared. Families go without a place to call home.

And here I sit in my warm home. My son, contentedly sleeping in his soft, cozy bed. We all had a nourishing meal before bed. The dryer is humming as clothes are cleaned and readied for tomorrow. Biscuits are made for the morning's breakfast, and every night, I fall asleep next to the love of my life.

I don't want God to give me everything. I don't want to get too comfortable with life that I forget all that He has done. I want to diligently follow Him. I want to live with such a passion for God that at the end of my life, I am remembered not for who I was, but for who I believed in. I want to see the pain and hurting in the world, so that I may remember to always reach out to those in need. I want to have river of compassion etching its way across my heart, pouring from my hands all that I have to give. I want to reach out in the darkness and grab hold of a lost one, knowing that I too am lost, but together we seek out guidance.

I thought about this when the turkey leftovers were being tucked away in the icebox....I'm grateful for the hardships. Never before have I felt closer to God. Over the last twelve months, I have grown more uncertain about every aspect of life except for one--my faith. I want a faith drenched in passion, a fervor on the brink of exploding.

Through the pain and the suffering, He is there. Through the joy and the triumph, He is there. Through the minutes and the hours, the days and the years, He is there. And I don't want to waste another minute on mediocrity.

I'm all in.

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Mere Moments

I have only a few minutes to write, and yet, I find myself fumbling across the keys, begging my mind to slow so my fingers have a chance to catch up. In all honesty, I miss this little corner of the world. I miss leisurely writing, letting my mind wander, while words stream together in my mind. Now, I steal a quick moment here and there, begging time to halt if only for a breath. I crave writing, it's what I was born to do.

But right now, I am needed elsewhere.

The job is going along. Unfortunately, the training was unorganized and scattered, while the tasks of the job still demand that I perform at a certain level. This job is not one that I dreamed of nor thought I would take, but it was the job offered. And so, each morning I rise before the household, to sit with my thoughts and prepare the baby's bottle. I pray for God to quiet the uneasiness in my soul, that He may give me patience and perseverance. I go about the morning chores, minding the passing minutes, knowing that all too soon, I will sit in front of the computer, quickly striking the keys and awaiting when the clock strikes four, and I can call it a day.

Once those hours are over and done, joy returns to my spirit as I get to spend the rest of my day being a wife and a mom. Two jobs that I adore more than anything else in this world. Two jobs that I cherish beyond all belief, knowing all the while that my purpose is to do all I can to help my family, in any way I can. My husband tells me everyday how proud he is of me, and how grateful he is that I was willing to work, so he could focus on school and work on the weekends. I hear the laughter wafting down the hall, knowing that just in the other room, my husband and son are happily playing alongside one another. My son gets to have his Daddy with him everyday. My husband has the opportunity to bond with his son. They will have a bond stronger than any other, and I know, that by sacrificing my time and energy, I am doing my part.

The nights grow longer and longer, sleep becomes an elusive dream. And still, when I see how my son adores my husband, I know I am where I need to be. Sometimes, we have to stand outside the picture in order for others to shine.

Nothing compares to their love....

Monday, November 12, 2012

No Second Chances

Lately, I have been drawn to the Word, my heart is changing more and more everyday. Maybe it's the course of things, or maybe it's looking at the world through my son's eyes, but there are things that I aspire to be, people I admire, traits I want obtain. My admiration is not for those who have wealth or fame, but those who live with humility and kindness. I find myself being drawn to characters like Job and Joesph, living with a passionate love for God, their legacy resting solely on their faith.

I want my son to be proud of me for my faith, for having a love and heart for God. I want to be proud of myself for this reason.

I've been stopping myself these past few weeks, in those moments when I would be quick to anger and spout back with meanness and hatred. There is a movement happening in my soul, something telling me to stop, breathe, pray, and love. Tomorrow is not guaranteed and I don't want to whittle away the hours fighting or bickering. My husband and I have both felt this movement, in fact, many a time, we look at each other with downcast eyes, sorry and ashamed of hurting our best friend. We remember not to hold grudges, and tear down the barriers we build, to fill the moment with a loving embrace and kind words. To ask for forgiveness and to have forgiveness offered without hesitation.

I used to count down the hours and days I had to spend with loved ones, all the while, missing the time I did have with them. I was too focused, to zoned-in to what awaited me, the responsibilities that laid before me that often I let the memories go by. I was too focused on what could happen instead of what was happening.

Maybe that is one of the greatest lessons we can learn.

Maybe God has been working all this time in my life to teach me to strive to have a servant's heart. It isn't always easy to give up old habits. In fact, those old habits turn into crutches that we quickly turn to when things get a little shaky. But faith demands that we be willing to look beyond ourselves, to grow where no one else wants to, to reach out to the shadows and shine a light.

I would like to think that I have plenty of tomorrows. But that choice is not up to me. The only choice I can make is how I choose to spend my now. Do I want to leave a legacy? Will my life be remembered for who I was not what I did? Did I do all I could to live a life that honors God? Did I love with all that I have, and did I accept the love around me?

I read about men like Job, and know that his faith was unshakeable and admirable. I know I am flawed and I may never become something grand in the world's eyes, but I am perfectly made and seen in His eyes.

My legacy is living and loving God, and that needs no second chances.

Thursday, November 1, 2012


Do not boast about tomorrow, for you do not know what the day may bring Proverbs 27:1

With the new work hours, there seems to be a blur of hours passing me by. My day is dictated by my job specifications, but that doesn't mean that the day is wasted. There are the hours I spend with my son before and after the days work is done, those deliciously sweet hours we spend laughing and playing on the floor--it is in those hours that I find my joy. In those moments, when he looks at me and smiles, I can hear his heart tell my heart, it's gonna be ok and he loves me regardless of the time we have.

"Feed your faith, and your fears will starve to death"

I'm scared to think that I will miss something. I'm scared to think that this precious time is being whittled away at work, and that one day, my son will resent me for being gone. I'm scared of the unknown. But through it all, God will sustain me. He gives me strength and resolve to believe in His promises and to hold onto His grasp.

Just the other day, I was talking to my husband about this job and how much I wish my writing career was successful. I wish my writing could provide food for the table and the roof overhead. He asked me, "By whose standards are you measuring your success? Yours? The world's?" . With the new job, a lot has come to the forefront of my mind, especially when dealing with my profession and what I hope to accomplish in life.

There is a sense that something big is happening. God is working through this household, and we are waiting His promise and provision. It is exciting to feel God working through our lives, knowing that we are on the cusp of something big, something wonderful, something more than we could ever fathom.

And then I remember, I didn't ever dream my life would be the way it is. I never thought a man like my husband would fall for a woman like me. I never thought I would be the mother to one of the sweetest little boys. I never thought I would be living in a small town, surrounded by kind people and vast spans of land. I never thought my heart could hold this much love.

And yet, everything I never thought could happen, did.

There is a deep-rooted contentedness that stems from living with a grateful heart. I still tear up when I see full cupboards in our kitchen....they weren't always that way. My heart is overwhelmed by the goodness in the world, despite what makes the news headlines. Life is meant to be lived, not feared. People were meant to be loved, not hated. Peace is there, even in the darkness.

Yes, you had to know he would be a cowboy. Cutest cowboy 'round these parts (well, along with his Daddy!)