Sunday, December 26, 2010

Dare to Dream

My husband and I decided to opt out of writing a Christmas letter this year. We wanted this to be a time of celebration and joyous occasions, not a dismal reminder of what we have lived through, what we have seen, and the bruises that still hurt if you push hard enough.

I would have been eight months pregnant this Christmas. We were supposed to be saving for a home and a future college fund. I was supposed to be whole, to remember what it feels like to be carefree and light-hearted. We had plans for his job, and my next book. No where in there was I supposed to still be wearing size 2 jeans. No where in there had I factored in a mountain of medical debt from losing our first little one. No where in there did I get the memo that I would be assaulted and forever changed. No where did anyone tell me that anxiety is not just a word, but something that shakes your entire core. No where in there did I believe we would have to move so far for work, and place our plans on hold....

Life is what happens when you are busy making plans. And plans were meant to be broken.

I believe with every fiber of my being, that I will be whole again. That I am whole, but that some of the pieces don't quite fit right. I believe in the unwavering power of God's love, and that He alone has given me the strength to see this year through. I believe that life is never unfair, and those who believe with all their might can find love and peace and joy in any circumstance. I believe that I am living out my purpose and one day will write a story to change a person's life. I believe God's voice is always audible and in my darkest of moments, I hear His voice, His heartbeat one with mine.

I believe that life is all about moments, and I treasure these moments, the good, the bad, the beautiful, the ugly, the breath-takingly scary, the life-altering, the hold-my-hand and never let go moments.



Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Christmas Blessings!

Merry Christmas everyone!! I hope you are enjoying this time of year, as much as I am. I have so much to be grateful for (including the fact that my hubby is off now til next week, no present means more than having him home!)....the cookies are baked, the fudge is done, the presents are wrapped, and soon I will curl up with a book and some hot tea....I'm trying my darndest to kick this icky bug that has been lingering around since last weekend.

I must confess, I had the chance to go shopping with my Mother in Law today, and I totally opted out. You know why?

No, it's not because I do not enjoy my Mother in Law's company (I actually adore her to pieces!) it's because there are two things I cannot stand in life: 1. Shopping and 2. Crowds....perfect storm had I gone today. So, rather than lose all my marbles, I decided to clean my house, get ready for the festivities, wash all the laundry including bed spreads, walk the dog, pay some bills, grab a quick workout, and now I should put in some office hours.

I hope all of you are not caught up in the crowds, and if you are God-speed (unless you really enjoy shopping in which case can you please explain the activity to me :) )....

Merry Christmas and Warm Wishes


Friday, December 17, 2010

Okay, okay....I Give....

Well looks like the trip to see the folks is off....I received a phone call late last night from our old property saying we owe them more money (like I have some of that!). I canceled the trip on account of low funds and, as you can imagine, my folks took it not so well. I hate to disappoint, but what is a girl to do? I have bills to pay, and food to buy. A leisure trip just doesn't seem practical.

It's ironic how once you say you are unable to fund a trip, and must refund your ticket, people sudden say "well I would have loaned you the money"....well, usually when people are broke they don't have the money to pay ya back! As it is, we are trying to get money back from an insurance company that overcharged us for canceled benefits, and now the property. Here I was praying for the weather to hold, little did I know money would play a role...ah well. My husband says it's all growing pains, and that sometimes doing what you have to isn't quite what you planned, and that life is all about adaptation.

My parents have never had a child live so far from home, nor are they used to be told plans are changing. This past year has been one of rolling with the punches in this house, and I will take this as a lesson from God above. He seems to think I need constant teaching, I may not like it but I trust Him.

So cookies and Christmas music with the husband and Molly today....then off to the market for the Christmas meal....maybe God was trying to cut me a break? Regardless, thank you for reading and being so supportive.

Blessings and Hugs,

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Not Enough....

Ever felt like you were not enough? Like you were the biggest disappointment to your family, like you didn't try hard enough? Ever wonder how you could be enough?

I know this is a little out of character for me, but I am posting this in lieu of this weekend. I am supposed to make a quick trip to California to see my folks (not to mention the fact that my husband and I are scrimping and saving and I blew a couple Benny's on a ticket!) and the weather forecast doesn't look good. When I explain to my family that I may not be able to make the trip due to delays (literally the trip is sooooo short that if I am delayed at all I will be arriving on one plane to depart on another going home). It's not like I can control the weather!!!

To be frank, I feel as though I am stretching myself to the max for my parents and sister, and there only response is, "That's all you are coming for?"....sheesh lo weesh!! Never mind the fact that I have a job, a husband, a home to run, and I am hosting Christmas!!! Yep, that's right....I have to get home to run to the market to make a feast for Christmas.

To tie this up....I'm done. I'm tired of not being enough. I'm tired of being the family disappointment (supposed doctor turned freelance writer doesn't really scream pride in my family)....because at the end of the day, I AM ENOUGH!!!!

I have the love of a wonderful man who loves me for me, and a goofy child/dog who reminds me to laugh and enjoy things like fresh cut grass and warm sunshine. And I have the love and acceptance of the Man above, my gracious Savior. They see me and that is more than enough. I am enough. So are you, just as you are.


Sunday, December 12, 2010

Wrapped Beneath the Tree

This year is going to be different in this house. First off, we live thousands of miles away from what we once knew so well, and since the move, funds for Christmas is well, ahem, low....
My husband and I have spent the Christmas fund for gifts for our families (I love to look for deals online, and have saved around a thousand dollars by searching on-line!)....but this leaves very little for the two of us. But ya know what? At the top of my wish list, as cliche as it is, all I want for Christmas is what I already have :) My dream guy, my silly, goofy Molly, and the roof overhead. Sure I would love to have a new, fancy purse (and by fancy I mean rather large and durable!) and some new craft supplies, or the Shabby Chic chair I covet online and say 'hi' to daily....but, at the end of the day, when all is said and done, I would be lost without the love of a good man and the sweet licks of my Molly.
Tomorrow, I will be making Molly's Christmas toys....she is just a kiddo and needs something 'new' for Christmas! I have a few other sewing projects to work on....let's see how it goes!
I pray you are all lucky enough to have something so special beneath your tree.


Wednesday, December 8, 2010

From the Manger to the Cross....

This time of year brings out the best in us, but what about the rest of the year? Why is it that only during one month of the year, we choose to model after the Man who saved the world? Do we feel obliged to honor Him close to His birthday, and forget Him on December 26th?

I want to do differently by Jesus this year. I want to celebrate the wee one who slept in a manger and years later, laid down His life on the Cross. I want to remember to give, to love, to pray, to thank even on December 26th. I may fall short of this goal, I may not hold up my end of the deal, but I am going to try.

Lord, you are the only one who knows the contents of my heart, and only you know my innermost thoughts. And only you forgave me for everything I have done. Thank you for the greatest gift I will ever receive, your Son.

Time to dust off these ole' boots, and walk the way worthy of the babe in the manger and the Man on the Cross. Merry Christmas everyone.

Saturday, December 4, 2010

Waiting for the Snowflakes...

Today is a day for the Rockefeller' husband and I (Molly too) will go pick out our Christmas tree this afternoon. Our plans for the day include, picking the perfect, sweet, lonely tree, and trimming it to look glorious in all its wonder. There will be plenty of hot cocoa (I make this from scratch with cocoa powder, honey, vanilla, and milk) and plenty of Christmas music and movies (also some football for the husband)! I am going to cherish these next two days, the man of the house has been slaving away, working for a week straight. We made it through the roughest week!

I have been busy working on articles, and preparing for Christmas....with only one car, I do a lot of on-line shopping to fulfill the Christmas lists. Everyone has to make sacrifices, mine was to sell my beloved car so we could afford to move. Oh well, what is one silly car in exchange for your dreams?

Today is definitely a much better day....I suffer from anxiety (due to PTSD) and have been receiving some amazing, Godly counseling over the past six weeks. It has helped tremendously. God has definitely carried me through this storm, and He will continue to hold me and guide me. What an amazing walk in faith...

On another note, Molly's Christmas present came in the mail yesterday; however, that dog has a knack for knowing when a present is for her....she stood on her two hind legs while I opened the box, and well, you guessed it, this Mama has to buy some more gifts for Christmas day. Ah well, she was over the moon and slept with her new toy all night. I will have to get a picture for you guys next time....

Merry Christmas, and blessings to everyone,


(I will post some pictures of the tree trimming tomorrow (hopefully), tomorrow is a much treasured family day!)

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Man Alive!!!

So normally, I write about how wonderful everything is and try and make my life sound like daisies and roses.....somebody squished my daisies and roses today. Here I am flipping through these blogs filled with uplifting words and happy moments, Christmas ornaments and homemade quilts, Mom's who are patiently homeschooling their children and recipes of feasts fit for a king.....and yet my ugly green monster roars on.

My husband has a code saying for the time when I am less than peachy, he calls it "my ugly green monster". It is the blanket answer for my rantings, my irritability, and my inability to make any sense at all. Much like this blog entry apologies ahead of time. The day began with our old insurance company deducting money from the account after I had already canceled this insurance since it no longer applies where we live. The bank from which this money was deducted is only located where we used to live, and because we no longer use this account, there were overdraft fees involved too. I called the insurance company and they replied, "We can send you a check in two weeks." TWO WEEKS!

The woman proceeded to tell me that I could then take the check to the bank. First of all, unless they are willing to send the money for the overdraft as well, I don't think so. Second, the nearest sister bank is hundreds of miles I have that kind of time. Third, gas ain't cheap....

So after finally getting her to understand to simply replace the money, I made some headway...not my most glamorous moment, but I'm far from perfect. I knew this was going to be a long day, when the coffee maker almost got it--there is a warning beep to tell you the coffee is ready, and the beeping happened prematurely, unleashing my wrath to completely destroy a perfectly good appliance. Luckily, it was only in my imagination that I yanked the tiny beeping mechanism out!

It's not yet lunchtime, and I know this is the day where I should avoid the telephone, the bills, and all things hot, breakable, or pointy. At least this posting has been cathartic. Maybe today will be a day of writing and long as the coffeemaker is quiet. Take care everyone....thank you for listening!

At least he doesn't have a green monster! Patience of a saint!

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Just a little each day...

This year's Christmas is going to be a little different for me....

My husband and I moved 1100 miles away from family and (weather permitting) I will be able to go back to see my folks for about two days the week before the big festivities. Otherwise, its just me, the hubby, and Molly for Christmas. I have the decorations up, and shipped most of the gifts to my folks in case I don't make it (Colorado is supposed to be knee deep in snow all of December....we haven't had much yet, which is either a good thing or a dark omen :) ).

I think we are going to get the tree this afternoon. We only have the one car, and my hubby has been hard at work at his new job. Hopefully, we will have some spare time this afternoon to get it. I have been busy in the kitchen too, baking chocolate chip pumpkin cookies, and believe me, they are delish!

The Christmas music has been playing nonstop, and whenever the house seems a little too quiet, I pop in a Christmas movie and let it be my background noise. One of the perks of working from home (that and the coffee is always good! I spent five years working at coffee shops....enough said)....So with all that said, this Christmas is going to be different, but change isn't always a bad thing. I have come to realize with this past year, that God puts us in uncomfortable situations so we remember to rely on Him alone. My faith is strengthened, and I feel the spirit of Christmas like I did when I was a kid!

And these two, mean everything to quirky little family, an amazing man, a "human" dog, and a crazy lady who talks to her dog like a child, and would lay down everything for them. I pray you have a family whom you love this much, and that the spirit of Christmas reawakens that childhood innocence in you and makes the world sparkle.

Blessings today and always,